Hakura (hakura) wrote,

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If there was ever a point in my life where I've not wanted to live, this is it

Plain and simple I have hit rock bottom and I dont know how much longer I can take this. Let me explain a few things because it's a long winded story starting over 2 years ago.

On July 5,2003 my dad passed away suddenly without us having any idea he was ill. Hard times came after that as my mom did not have a job and I had to move out because there was no way to support us both. So I moved to Barrie Ontario, which at first was great, but I soon got to see the true faces of my family members I didn't even know. I began to hate it and got super depressed and needed to come home. So I used my credit card for that, and thats where all hell breaks loose.

So I come back to Winnipeg and Arlene's mom with the giving heart she has, let me stay with them for some time. During that time I had a little trouble finding a job, let alone one with enough hours. Eventually I find one at Best Buy, and then I'm asked to move out, so ok thats cool I move out.

So during this time I'm making little small payments on my card while balancing out my rent and by bills. Easy you think? Hell no. Not with the wadges at best buy. So I go looking for a new job and land one as a tech support agent at Convergys. All is good for a while but now I just get sick going there. I get insulted for being Canadian, yelled at for no reason, have to listen to people bitch over the phone, and I just can't take it anymore.

I can't really explain it in any other way but stress, extreme stress. I would go there get sick to my stomach, hands cramp up, throw up, and have fear of knowing what going to happen. So eventually I stop going and just going in when I wanted to while I look for another job. I just can't take this stress any more. On more then one occasion I thought of taking my own life, and the only thing that brought me out of it, was how sad I would make everyone else.

But now, now things are different. I have been looking for another job, and still only making tiny payment to my Visa. So this morning I get the lovely call from the Royal Bank right. It's this lady from the legal department, and she is threatning to take $315 from my account to pay onto my Visa. So I spend 30 min talking to this bitch saying that if she does this I'm going to be out of a home. And I guess this lady thought I was lying or something. I have never hear someone be so uncaring in my life to actually say "I don't care" in responce to that over the phone.

I haven't been to work in a week, I have no moneny coming in I calculated all the money I have and knew that I would have enough for 2 months rent+bills while I go and look for another job. Well...not anymore. Be cause after I got off the phone with the bitch I looked at my bank account and the ass too out $315 with out telling me she was going to do it.

So now...well I'm in a state of desperation. I sold my World of Warcraft gaming account on Ebay for $420 canadian just so I will have enough money to pay the bills. I can only hope it arrives to my account in time. I called and left a message with my team leader practly begging to still have my position at work even just for a little while as I look for something new. But I get so sick working there, I get physically/mentaly ill. I throw up, have bad pains in my stomach/head/eyes, cry for no reason, I just can't take it I need to get out of there it's really making me sick and I can't take the stress and now with this added on I don't have a choice and I don't know what to do.

I have been hyperventelating ever since I got off that call, and I've called everyone I know just to talk, I just need someone to talk to, and no one was home. Not even my mom, I left her a message though. None of my close friends were online either so I came here as a way of release.

Now I'm just hoping that something happens, I can only hope they will let me stay there until I find something new, but I get so sick there, however at the same time I don't have a choice. So I guess I will just have be sick for the next little while. It's either that...or no home to live in....

On last thing, after that call I swear I almost didn't care about anything at all. I went into my bathroom, and I grabed the full bottle of Tylenol and I thought about it, I have never done that before and it scares me a lot. So I threw it down and now here I am writing this, I need to get this out somehow and there is no one around.

But please Arlene, Bev anyone, if you are around today please give me a call I need company like you wouldn't believe even just a hug anything. I just need to talk to someone.

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